A word only to myself

dont feel good. Strangely, this life, holds no charm now. somewhere the whole zeal seems gone for now. maybe its the hostility around. or may be there is something lacking in my approach towards things and people.
Strangely everything is here, yet i am unfortunately pushing myself towards the negative road. feeling too bad over trivial issues. Unable to take the higher way. the way which ideally should be taken. Well those are words. And making words a practise is what actually shows how much you have evolved. Thats what shows your true age, age in the real sense. I am trying, trying hard. Trying to evolve, trying to not let myself down, when I sense discomfort in situations and with people.

At present all what I feel like is locking myself up. I feel this need to be away from my own people. Or else snappiness ensues. Unfair on my behalf. I know. No one is expected to understand what i need. And i emphasise on "No One." Becasue with time I have understood that none can understand the strangeness which keeps going on within. Its like a see-saw. And its unfair to expect someone to keep track of this alternative storm and subsequent calm.

Something is hammering. And it is making me feel uneasy. As if I am drifting. All above is the calm of the sea, yet I keep sensing this turmoil. And it makes me want to throw myself away to luck/chance. It makes me want to be irrational. And yes irrational decisions made by me have been many. Why, I question and I know nothing makes sense now. It is me, who is in this turmoil since long. And this turmoil is what makes me feel so lonely.
Probably this is what it is. Loneliness. May be I have had too much of it now. And every way out I seem to find, doesnt help. And its unfair to expect it to help, when right now, I am the one who is unable to help myself. I am the one here who is making stuff difficult.. Thinking too much, too soon.

Again today

Enjoyed a day with myself, all alone, with random thoughts. People whom I missed, moments which I happily cherished. Everything came back rushing today. Wonderful day to be alone. Lazy afternoon and evening ended with a stroll in the rain, armed with a delightful ice cream.

The rainy breeze, the inter-spaced chill, it was everything it could be. Even now sitting at the top, watching the city lights, the sky lit with frequent flashes. And yes the music strums along in the background. The lost people are somehow here, some lyrics remind me of each and everyone of them. Some I have lost, most have lost me and a few who were fleeting blazes across my skyline. Everything makes me smile at my present. Today had a haunting melody running across it.

Yet again I have so many words filled up in my head. Yet again it is here that I can vent. It is here where I come back when this lost and hazy. I wish there is a poetic justice somewhere. For now I am content, with these thoughts, these words which keep me alive.
No regrets. I know someday it will work out. Loneliness is under-rated.

Life gives second chances. I have one in hand. Scared, yet the moments which I live, reminds me a bit of happiness. And I don't feel like losing this perfection.