my patient patience..

Sense of creativity hits a high when the morale hits the lows. Sounds like poetic justice, a way of bettering the pain and pathos running through me. Its when you are saddened by people, by situations, its stuff like this, when the loneliness overshadows almost everything.. then this stupid writer's block lifts up. Lifts up to do what, to pen down some god-awful sad lines on a piece of virtual paper which I will read and re-read in some near future.

Well the good, the bad, the ugly, for whatever its worth, sometimes I do think that the only thing responsible for our grief is the towering-tower of expectations we build up. Build, without judging the depth of its foundations. Not that these expectations are the source of pain, its the inability to deal with the aftermath of this tower's minimal/maximal phases of destruction which comes from time to time. Remember, that in this not-so perfect world, one thing is damn perfect and in a state of unchanging motion; its the cycle of ups and downs. What builds or exists eventually gets eroded. That being true in nature and with our lives.

So change, evolve, evolve yourself and your relationships. Build a shelter of logic in this tower. A shelter which will save you from the feeling of devastation which can wash you afresh. Do something new, plan something new. Identify and break the pattern of dependencies if you have any. Breaking it won't be bad, remembering that the compassionate and loyal personality is retained.

Thinking all this and more, somehow patience has been the keyword playing across my head this year. Like a neon like emblazoned on my mind, body & soul. As the year comes to an end, I somehow end up getting acquainted with it. Somehow me being in its company soothes the people around me. loL! Yeah that's the kind of relationship I'm sharing with patience. I umm, like the effect it has on me, makes up for lesser sorry-s, but I do feel it suffocating me on days, having a grip on my heart and mouth.  There are days when I love the snappy, cranky me, one who would never be afraid to open her heart out and speak what she thinks. I have missed that person this year in the complete hope of seeming more logical & patient.

I badly hope that patience pays!

Today was a strange day. A good day, a day when a chapter of my life seemed to complete a full circle. Did I want to turn back time? Yes probably to catch those simple and crazy moments of life which have now passed.
No possibly to hold on to the lessons which life taught us interim.

Change has been constant; snatching and gifting people and togetherness.



 

I cannot fathom the incomprehensible sense of loss I feel at the thought of you moving back to the distances. As with every year we part with promises to meet again (soon).

Your love and affection make me weak and strong at the same time. Somehow I feel lost and found all at once today. There is a strange dissatisfaction with this oddity of feelings ebbing against my consciousness. I realize that the simple joys of togetherness are the greatest gifts which time provides us.

With all my hopes to be with you again, God bless you in every way!

After a long time today, i am back here. People you once knew, ones who meant a lot, now strangers. Honestly, looking back sure gives a perspective to the time which was once there. It was never meant to be. I know that now. My heart saddens for the grief you are going through. For I know the incomprehensible loss, and confusion.

Today is fine, and the future i can look forward to. Again i write just for myself, just to make things clearer to me.

I thought I was at peace.

Missing the comfort and warmth of companionship, love and friendship. Life is so much more than a string of plans and actions beaded together. It has to be so much more than a wait, a long wait of hoping to see your dreams come alive.

Life needs to be the warmth of holding hands,the joy of looking at each other, the affection of understanding each other, just by looking across the room. It has to be the beauty which fills up your heart, by its mere presence, of knowing that yours is a one of a kind love/friendship which will stand the tests of time. You have to be comfortable showing each mixed up dusted corner of your mind,body and soul. Of knowing that this is peace. Of knowing that this craziness runs through both of you. It can't be a single charted road. It can't be a horse running on one leg. It has to gallop and it has to share that cuddly fuzzy joy of wanting to be together.

How can it be a disappointment through and through. How can it be simply a long wait. And why does it need to be a land full of only patience. On days it has to be a crazy ass kicking adventure. An adventure only the two of you can understand. How can it be love if most of the days you feel mis-understood. There is a beauty of friedship and love, snatches of which I have felt. Sadly unable to get that adventure through and through.

 

Growing across distances

 

Friendship means not caring about distances. It’s the love for each other which beats within. Once upon a time when I was in college and thought that the wonderful feeling of being together, that is friendship. True it was, but it’s not closeness which is a pre-requisite for friendship as I had thought. Friendship grows even over distances.

This time that we have spent together, and the sense of belonging which I have felt with all of you, it’s a blessing, a miracle which I never hoped for when I moved here. Work was work, with no expectation to mix play into it. That’s where you all proved me wrong. That is where I have been so blessedly corrected. All these moments together in this past year have been a journey, every second of which I have felt safe and loved by each one of you. The jokes and thoughts which we shared, every moment has been full of laughter. If I look back, I can vividly remember the exact moment when I met each one of you. Then I never knew how all of you would enrich my life, and be such wonderful friends/guides to me. Every moment that we have spent together will always shine for me, and make me feel content.  It has been so easy for me to be ‘myself’ with all of you, no facades ever required. Tea was just an excuse to get some time together, and the talks have still not finished.

Time is slipping by so fast, and I find myself wanting to stop it now. In a few days all of us will be at different places. I wish I could do something about it. Sadly this is how it is. This is how change kicks us, jolts us, and makes us realize what wonderful people have loved, protected and comforted us through our journeys.  But no matter how much it pains us, just that we had each other here for so long, I am thankful for it. You are my family and ‘my people.’ And so it shall be always.

Distance can never break bonds. It can bring you even closer if you give it a chance. Thankful to have each one of you, thankful because I know it will not end here. We will progress through our lives and our friendship. Everything will grow and these moments which we had together, the memories of our times will put a smile when the going is bad.

Here today and forever, that is how I know it will be.

It doen't always help us to love the world. But it does prevent us from hating the world.
Good or bad, I think its worth the hard work.