I feel like writing down the story of my life on these pages. I feel like jumping off and growing wings today. Nothing makes sense even now. Even now if I look at the times, i feel shattered, each second a multitude of all the moments I faced, in a langurous pain. but.... But there are no 'buts' to this pain..
It was, like 'rebirth'
Yes rebirth it is, it was like the sun going down, all i couldnt see then, was the surise, which was imminent. Now past the carnage, I can give a defination of myself. Once upon a time, I didn't need a defination, now i understand otherwise. Truths hurt, yes they do. Factually they always do. You just learn to survive the angst. You learn to look at the pictures and give out a cold sigh. The worst part, you dont even want the moments gone by. Just look and let it by.
I dont feel like giving out the pain which I was made to feel. I no longer feel the need to say 'hey you wronged me!' I no longer feel like hurling a mix of abuses at you. If you meet me tomorrow, if you think about me, I would be there, shrugging and nonchalently saying 'Wish you well.'
Truth hurts, it does, but when facing a choice between truth and the real-life reality, maybe the choice is easy. I chose my life now. Because it welcomed me. I stand ashore, the carnage, the memories floating like dead bodies on a blodied river. I shed the tears, but no longer have the strength to bend and pick the strands up..
I am no a quitter, but a wise man, wise enough to not run after what was never mine. I lived a mirage, and now its over. The ugly faces reared their heads. I am not a saint.. A Sinner.. no..
waiting to be vindicated...
PS- I am a very happy person, full of passion for life.. this is just a thought which i had to pen down.
I fall and I pick myself up. I lose hope yet I dream. I am lost and I find myself again, I cry and I laugh through my tears. I despair yet I believe !!!
1/31/11
1/30/11
1/24/11
We might survive a day, a month a few years too: but we all are condemned to lose. Our body remains alive, yet sooner or later our soul will recieve the mortal blow. The perfect crime - for we dont know who murdered our joy, what their motives were or where the guilty parties are to be found.
Are they aware of what they have done, those nameless guilty parties? I doubt it, because they, too - the depressed, the arrogant, the impotent and the powerful are the victims of the reality they created.
Are they aware of what they have done, those nameless guilty parties? I doubt it, because they, too - the depressed, the arrogant, the impotent and the powerful are the victims of the reality they created.
(:
Perfection is what you visualize. Some days, perfection is just around you, instead of that lost dream you were chasing. Perfection is what you had and what you foolishly gave away. Perfection is Peace. And some days Peace is silence. Its only when you enter the chaos of the world, its then that you realize the needs of the hour.
Before that, Its a very fragmented picture which you have thought off. Its when you enter the real world, its then that your ideals and ethics seem to shatter. But still you tag along because of the 'Dreams.' And even though today was a tough day, still you get your act together and keep on the work. You keep on building upon your future because thats your 'karma.' Thats what you have to be, true to yourself and true to the people who love you. Its times like these that you know how important your father is. Its times like this that you realise how dear your kid brother is. I love my family, I love the people who make sense to me. Inspite of all, yet I love life. I have not given up the zest for it. I am enjoying in my own sweet demonical way.
Yes Today was a difficult day, today maybe I thought that for a second, that I needed to compromise on the Utopia that I believe upon. But you know, dreams and utopia's are for a utopic world. It was a tough day, when even though I began the morning with a smile, I felt disillusioned by the end of the day. But it will be all right because, as far as dreaming goes by,
I have still not given up!
Thank you to all who have been mine. To those who never gave up on me, to those who love me. I am flawed but I live to make you proud of me.
Before that, Its a very fragmented picture which you have thought off. Its when you enter the real world, its then that your ideals and ethics seem to shatter. But still you tag along because of the 'Dreams.' And even though today was a tough day, still you get your act together and keep on the work. You keep on building upon your future because thats your 'karma.' Thats what you have to be, true to yourself and true to the people who love you. Its times like these that you know how important your father is. Its times like this that you realise how dear your kid brother is. I love my family, I love the people who make sense to me. Inspite of all, yet I love life. I have not given up the zest for it. I am enjoying in my own sweet demonical way.
Yes Today was a difficult day, today maybe I thought that for a second, that I needed to compromise on the Utopia that I believe upon. But you know, dreams and utopia's are for a utopic world. It was a tough day, when even though I began the morning with a smile, I felt disillusioned by the end of the day. But it will be all right because, as far as dreaming goes by,
I have still not given up!
Thank you to all who have been mine. To those who never gave up on me, to those who love me. I am flawed but I live to make you proud of me.
1/22/11
thoughts!
My thoughts are in a turmoil, I need to accept today. I am free, and life looks just right now. I need to wipe this hate which I have filled in my heart, I have to be just another girl now. For this time has taken a toil, the nights have wracked my body and soul with grief.
Now I think I need to be happy.
Now I think I need to be happy.
1/20/11
The lost yet peaceful warrior
I am still the same as I was, but with a much more unfathomable facade. I am still as innocent in my dealings as I was, just that now I know when I am being made a fool of. I still have the same habits, I still laugh and cry the same.
I look the same and I feel the same. I am as vulnerable as I felt before, and as chaotic as I was since forever. I still stumble, walk in my wierd fashion, am as lost to the world, and in general I am still the same picture.
But there are some lines running across me, some good some bad. The good have made me resilient. It has made me fight for the people I love, ithas made me evaluate people on a whole new standard. The good has given me a direction, not a path but yes an independent turn.
Its the bad which will cause me to lose the fashion of emoting. I walk, I talk, I laugh and yes now I know the true cynicism leaching through me. I feel lost on days, I feel vulnerable. If I am now human, then it hurts. If I am no more human, then spare me this feeling of being emotionless. The road has taken me far away now. What once seemed true, now falls to dust. It kills me on some days, to look back and see what a waste it has been. May be the future will bring me back my peace.
Peace is what I want. For this new year, this specific month, I wish to lose nothing more. The warrior has lost all he could! Now he has returned home to get back the peace.
I plunder nothing, I need no conquests. I need the shell of my own mind to gaze as the stories of my life go by. I need no name, no title, I need no empathy or cruelty. I need to get lost in this wilderness of my own mind. For this new year, I need to feel closer to my own heart, to understand what this old guy wants. I quit all with dignity. I just retain my own will to mind a path for my mind, body and soul. Now I want to be happy.
I want to watch the days go by. Peace is what I want.
PS:And as the year begins, I want to remember the one person I miss the most each day.
Mom. Love you.
I look the same and I feel the same. I am as vulnerable as I felt before, and as chaotic as I was since forever. I still stumble, walk in my wierd fashion, am as lost to the world, and in general I am still the same picture.
But there are some lines running across me, some good some bad. The good have made me resilient. It has made me fight for the people I love, ithas made me evaluate people on a whole new standard. The good has given me a direction, not a path but yes an independent turn.
Its the bad which will cause me to lose the fashion of emoting. I walk, I talk, I laugh and yes now I know the true cynicism leaching through me. I feel lost on days, I feel vulnerable. If I am now human, then it hurts. If I am no more human, then spare me this feeling of being emotionless. The road has taken me far away now. What once seemed true, now falls to dust. It kills me on some days, to look back and see what a waste it has been. May be the future will bring me back my peace.
Peace is what I want. For this new year, this specific month, I wish to lose nothing more. The warrior has lost all he could! Now he has returned home to get back the peace.
I plunder nothing, I need no conquests. I need the shell of my own mind to gaze as the stories of my life go by. I need no name, no title, I need no empathy or cruelty. I need to get lost in this wilderness of my own mind. For this new year, I need to feel closer to my own heart, to understand what this old guy wants. I quit all with dignity. I just retain my own will to mind a path for my mind, body and soul. Now I want to be happy.
I want to watch the days go by. Peace is what I want.
PS:And as the year begins, I want to remember the one person I miss the most each day.
Mom. Love you.
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