the beauty of loneliness

Time has a fly-by quality. We wonder, we wait and there are moments we live and there are moments which we have lost. Sitting and thinking, pondering, breathing. Waking up in the morning, and across the window pane you can see the daylights turn to yellow lights twinkling on a dark sheet. Roads are moving, everyone around going about the rigmaroles, the daily chores. And here we are, sitting alone, looking and waiting for tomorrow to come. There are people who live for the future. There are people who live in the past. And there are some people who live just in a moment.

Patiently I wait for my time to come. And oh what a time it shall be. A time to laugh and smile, a time to drown my sorrows in laughter, till I can no longer cry.
I wait for the turns and tumble to come, because no matter how much you deny;
Change is inevitable, the wiser me agrees now. But the heart aches and the heart burns have taught me a rough lesson; Change cannot 'visibly' destroy me now.

From whats left of my ashes, every time I try to build a castle. But look at this tragic story, every time I stumble at the foundation. On days I wonder, when I will leave this cynical castle of mine, and breathe free. On days I wonder whats to become of me. I have walked alone for a long time now, hitting hard, falling and stumbling. For long I wonder sitting across that lonely spot. Now and then I touch some flecks of sunshine, now and then a mirage or so keeps me happy. But soon the shadows remind me, of the chaos in me.
For then it was when anger filled me, and now even that has left me. For now it is that I try to make something, for now it is that I try to find the meaningful insights.

But I know that my time will come, and oh what a time it shall be!!

There is a thing about the 'moments' gone by. When they happen, they might wrench your heart, or pain you or potentially alter your life plans.
But some years down the line, when they become 'memories,' they will make you smile, forget the bad and concentrate on the wonderful times of friendship and companionship which you 'then' lived and now miss!
(:

An experience in itself, the trip from Bandra, back home. Wonderfully vivid colors, and people rushing by; everyone is their own state of hurry. And after one crazy year in this hetic city, it seems part of life now. The rush, the hurry, the impatience and the wants!

The chaos reaches a cresendo on days, people pushing, you yourself, running through the traffic, vehicles blazing by. And yes its worth it. Because every single thing/moment prompts you, that every second life is moving on. One has no option other than to keep pushing yourself to whatever seems worth to you. If at all you want to survive this adrenaline rush called life, try to make an experience out of every day and night, every good and bad which you faced untill now. Somewhere, the Crazy man (no offense) up there had already made up his mind about these quick test moments for each of us.

Its been a cautious year, giving up one by one each bad dependence of mine. Its the city which I believe seems to have taught me a way or two about life. Rushing, thats the story which I seem to be living myself. To much to capture in my hand. Good or bad, I think its worth the hard work.

A word only to myself

dont feel good. Strangely, this life, holds no charm now. somewhere the whole zeal seems gone for now. maybe its the hostility around. or may be there is something lacking in my approach towards things and people.
Strangely everything is here, yet i am unfortunately pushing myself towards the negative road. feeling too bad over trivial issues. Unable to take the higher way. the way which ideally should be taken. Well those are words. And making words a practise is what actually shows how much you have evolved. Thats what shows your true age, age in the real sense. I am trying, trying hard. Trying to evolve, trying to not let myself down, when I sense discomfort in situations and with people.

At present all what I feel like is locking myself up. I feel this need to be away from my own people. Or else snappiness ensues. Unfair on my behalf. I know. No one is expected to understand what i need. And i emphasise on "No One." Becasue with time I have understood that none can understand the strangeness which keeps going on within. Its like a see-saw. And its unfair to expect someone to keep track of this alternative storm and subsequent calm.

Something is hammering. And it is making me feel uneasy. As if I am drifting. All above is the calm of the sea, yet I keep sensing this turmoil. And it makes me want to throw myself away to luck/chance. It makes me want to be irrational. And yes irrational decisions made by me have been many. Why, I question and I know nothing makes sense now. It is me, who is in this turmoil since long. And this turmoil is what makes me feel so lonely.
Probably this is what it is. Loneliness. May be I have had too much of it now. And every way out I seem to find, doesnt help. And its unfair to expect it to help, when right now, I am the one who is unable to help myself. I am the one here who is making stuff difficult.. Thinking too much, too soon.

Again today

Enjoyed a day with myself, all alone, with random thoughts. People whom I missed, moments which I happily cherished. Everything came back rushing today. Wonderful day to be alone. Lazy afternoon and evening ended with a stroll in the rain, armed with a delightful ice cream.

The rainy breeze, the inter-spaced chill, it was everything it could be. Even now sitting at the top, watching the city lights, the sky lit with frequent flashes. And yes the music strums along in the background. The lost people are somehow here, some lyrics remind me of each and everyone of them. Some I have lost, most have lost me and a few who were fleeting blazes across my skyline. Everything makes me smile at my present. Today had a haunting melody running across it.

Yet again I have so many words filled up in my head. Yet again it is here that I can vent. It is here where I come back when this lost and hazy. I wish there is a poetic justice somewhere. For now I am content, with these thoughts, these words which keep me alive.
No regrets. I know someday it will work out. Loneliness is under-rated.

Life gives second chances. I have one in hand. Scared, yet the moments which I live, reminds me a bit of happiness. And I don't feel like losing this perfection.

I have become so bad at Good byes.

Some words, don't need a retort. Time gives the best answer. That's what I have believed in, and that's what I will believe, until proven wrong!

And I am always glad to be a thorn to those who have been a thorn for me. Pinches same way ain't it.
Just fair

I know how it kills when people change. The crazy happy memories of the past sting like hell. Often the pain of missing those friends makes us want to correct things at every cost. It wants us to forget all the neglect and hurt we suffered at their hands. It makes us want to forget all the stupefied silences we had to go through.

But what if these corrective measures made you get back in talking terms. Now where does that get you?? Comparing the new awkward glances towards each other with the roaring laughter of the past. Or comparing the heart to heart talks of yesterday with the polite small talks which you are made to suffer now.

So what if the pain of missing kills you for the moment. I would any day partake that pain compared to the humiliation of living a failed friendship each day.
But then that is just another view point.

A totally new angle now

Till the time this human machine is going tick-tock, like a clockwork, few of us appreciate it. The realization comes, only when the mis-utilization and surging ahead, which you put your body through has taken a toll finally. Its then that you stop and think. Its then that you stop and know that certain checks need to be made now.

So be it now for me. Now that I know that some adjustments need to be made, and now that I appreciate what I have more. Instead of cribbing, I will take this as a constant reminder about how hard is the fight to stay healthy. Yes because it will be a permanent reminder, a struggle to stay ahead in this game called life. Totally understanding "Survival of the fittest" adage!

Cheers to the silver lining I am seeing in this dark cloud. If it works then it will work beautifully. And I know if it doesn't, then still the FIGHT is now on.

Ode to so called friendships!

The rules or chaos of friendship dictates only simplicity. Friendships are supposed to be simple. This is because Truth between friends is the greatest bond. When you are truthful to your friends, you are giving him/her the greatest respect possible.
And if you are going through something which is God damn Complicated, then like Hell, "its not Friendship."

My Ground Zero

Memories have strange ways.. When you reach your own Ground Zero, they just come flooding back. Happily these are all the greatest memories of my life. The trips and the treks, the late night movies, the rafting, the mountains, the budgeting, Accenture's Training, the friends I made, Work (my savior), trying to give everything my best!

Each moment in this past year and a half has been a learning curve in every possible way. I had surrendered Hope then. Now I am hoping against hope each day. Isn't that the best possible change? I have made some promises to myself, regrets can come back later. I am hopeful, hopeful to find whatever it is that I am searching.

And strangely there seems to be no rush. No pain. No loss. My weakest links have been erased I suppose. And I am still alive.
On my Ground Zero, yes these are strangely turbulent times. There is still a rebellion going on. But it is dulling bit by bit. What I can clearly see, that gets my best. And what is to come, can take its time. No time for regrets.

No (woe)man, No Cry ;)

A salute to the happy memories. You made me smile yet again.

It is a bit gloomy today. And my mind has wandered often. Living and learning and taking decisions. Everything moves on for people, lives change forever. I have plans, plans which dont take root in my heart at the moment. I seem to have lost the soul and heart I always had. Pattering around an empty room, I wonder what to do.

Carpe diem

I had never embraced my life. I had made something of it, and fought for it but i had never particularly enjoyed it.
Carpe diem, I told myself, sieze the day. Whatever I had, I was going to spend it well.

To be afraid is a priceless education. Once you have been that scared about something, you know more about your fraility than most people, and I think that changes a person.
And after the scare comes belief. Without belief in yourself, we would be left with nothing but an overwhelming doom, every single day. And it will beat you. I didn't fully see, until understanding this how we fight every day against the creeping negatives of the world, how we struggle daily against the slow lapping of cynicism. Its like cancer. Dispiritedness and disappointment, these were the real perils of life, not some sudden illness or cataclysmic millenium doomsday.
Why people fear cancer, because it is a slow and inevitable death, it is the very definition of cynicism and loss of spirit.
And so I believe.

self

Walking away.. because it doesn't make sense cribbing and crying any longer. Walking away because i want to grow up and feel the real feelings now.
Walking away because I don't want to look back into the memories. The good and bad, i no longer want to remember...

Going away on a journey to find myself, for the first time. I don't promise to be good, don't promise to be bad. I promise my 'self' to give it all the chances, it always deserved. I promise to avoid the obvious hurts, to live for what I believe in.I promise to give back when I get hurt.
There is no one else in this void, its only me swirling in the chaos, like a leaf trying to find direction in the storm. But its better to be alone rather than crashing and burning another. Its better to know yourself first rather than promise to understand someone else.
Believe me I have done all now, yet I think the problem is that i don't understand myself. I don't know what I want.
And that is the path I am choosing.

There is something surrounding me, that makes me want to cut all the shackles. It makes me want to cut the losses and bring a change in my life.

Step number 1: Reconnect to my self. Know my strengths, weaknesses and falls

Project Zeitgiest.

Solace.

During my journeys, I hope to find whatever is worth finding and fighting for. As I walk the trodden paths, I hope to somehow discover an uncharted lake of serenity. And yes, I want a lake instead of an ocean. Once I have created that paradise of bliss, certainly there are some people I want standing next to me.

Once I have found that Peace, paradoxically I want the strength to fight for it and live it. I want the downfalls which we face in our lives, just to appreciate what I have got and begotten. I know I am so strange. I know what I have got is what I have lost. Yet I feel perfectly human with this travesty befalling me each time. every time I get pushed into the jungle of lost and tangled cobwebs, I think I have found solace in the peace and loneliness.

I find the rhythms of life comforting and at times strangely disturbing. I miss what I held, but I know it wasn't worth being held for long. What you believe about me, holds no threads upon my bearing. I will find whatever is worth finding and fighting for.
I will find my lake of serenity just when the sun is about to set. In that golden hue I will take a dip into my dreams. The dreams which have always been there, but so elusive right now, that I cant point them out.

I don't know what I am searching for.

As I see it

What we are, at times it is defined more by the people we have met and lost rather than time.

I write today to a dying friendship, living only in memory now. I write to finally mourn emotions which made sense a long time ago.

The biggest changes of life creep up to you silently. One fine day you stand looking at the vacant spot where your castle once stood. There are people who once defined your visions of life. Every plan seemed incomplete without them. And one fine day, here you are leading the paths, a sole bearer of your burdens.The mistakes we make, the choices we choose, the decisions we take and the people we stand by .. everything is a dot on your road map. Only when the dots finally connect, it is then that you see the bigger picture.

I am a believer in making mistakes, learning from them and living them. And I stick by the desicions which I have taken. Each may not be the wisest but each path I choose has made me wiser and giving my search a new direction. Everytime I faltered, I have understood whats not for me. I have been quiet at everything silently validating acts. And now I make a conscious desicion to avoid negativity. Rather to abhor it.
But no matter what facades you errect, no matter what lines you speak, no matter the good or bad, when you lose important people of your life, the heart most often breaks. I think I have had enough of that. I felt the need to change my notions once more, but I realise that its the people who always had to be changed. The notions were right. notions still make sense. Now people dont make sense to me.

Current status: Replacing Visions with notions. And replacing my old self finally. I think I have had enough..

It seems that it is about to Rain. Today hopefully will be a day when all seems shiny new. If not today then tomorrow. But as always I am hopeful.
Hopeful about change, hopeful about my confidence in self. Hopeful that there is something called goodness. Today, I seem to have no fear, the justice or injustice bear no consequence to me. Wonderfully free, soaring in spirit.. the fool in me wonders why!

There is something about the rain, which essentially seems pure to me. I cannot help, but feel a sad kind of happiness when the clouds darken. It reminds me of all the beautiful memories I have cherished in the rain. All which I held and all which I have given up. The rains mesmerize me, hopeful again. Hopeful to be understood, or else hopeful to be lost in the crowd.

Past Perfect?

When we are small, we most often dream big. We cant wait to herald upon life. We find ourselves invincible and every wish

within reach. It is this early youth (teenage) when we are hazards to our parents peace of mind, when we clash with ideologies and when we charter new paths for our generation. These early years are often a very confusing parts of our lives. We aim big, we are most often reckless with time and love and are happily given the liberties of childhood.
(PS: Most confusing part of our life is when we have grown up and are "expected" to have a job, a family and the whole circus).
But while we are dreaming big, so it happens that we have no connection with the truths of life. When we begin to dream, we forsee life giving us a lot. The reality is that, Life takes a lot from you. It makes you stand at crossroads, asking you to make tough choices. Life asks you to survive, and the reality is that if you are not careful it most often kills your passion for living.

When we grow up, some seven eight years later, we have a much better understanding and more plausible dreams.. We have limited our dreams at times, because we know that we didnt give ourselves the right start. While journeying through every
moment uptill now we have accumulated a lot of experience. Our success and failures have taught us. We now seem to be saner, more practical and grown up versions of ourselves (but still very confused). We have obligations and responsibilities
and bills to pay. Many times while struggling to juggle the daily rigmaroles, we sigh and wish we had made wiser choises. We wish we had more courage then.
At times we wish to go back in the past and return our experiences to Ourselves (when we were sixteen year olds). The thing is that we are simply living right now. We have stopped thinking and living the moments as we go. If I asked you to give me
five points you wish to teach your sixteen year old 'self', each of you will falter. There are a lot many simple things/view points which I wish I had known.

There are many mistakes I could have avoided, many people I wouldnt have met and a very different path I might be walking. It could have been for the better, might have turned for the worse. Whatever it could be, I wish I could have showed my 'today' to myself eight years ago..

Such A beautiful picture ;) mine with words

What can describe the beauty of a Nikon DSLR? What can be the best complement for it? "Even the dumbest of show-offs seem to be elite and 'budding' photographers when in possession of it'

Nikon, you are truly great. Any guy can arm twist his dad into buying you. At least then he seems to be in possession of a 'skill.'

Hats off to you Cherie!
;)

I have talked a lot about life in this blog, almost every topic is Me reverbrating the same points. I have tried to break this, I have tried to stray away from this but somehow I cannot. People tell me that I have a dark writing style. I appreciate the critisicm, but whatever it maybe.. I guess these pages hold the story of my life. I am a private person, scared of showing off my tiny drops of happiness now and then. I dont want these few moments to get jinxed. There is a reason why grief has a hold on these pages. In times of grief I have always and only found solace in these pages.
Every now and then something turns around for me.. back to where it all began from. Every now and then, i tend to re-believe in the "Perfect circle" called life. If you ask me the starting point, on a lowly day I wnt be having an answer. i feel lost most of the times. Lost on a personal level. And now I have lost interest in the past.
Sometimes I wonder, how did everything culminate to this point. How did all the directions jumble up?

Was it simply a series of chances? I guess I would never know. At the end of the day, i live with no regrets, no lies and no betrayals thrust upon my conscience . Even if I hold no attachments, even if no one knows me at all. Somehow I hold a belief that in a very crazy way, i will find that journey i keep looking for. Maybe i am treading it right now, or may be it is there at the next divergence. Whatever it turns out to be, I hold beliefs, no sadness, no regrets and no cruelty in my heart.
I bear no ills. I am aloof to all, locked up in my own existence, brooding upon my own questions, and trying to find answers.
then let me linger in the darkness, which everyone supposes has descended upon me. I call it soliloqy, which comforts me, like it always has. And it is always walking with me, waiting for the light.

02-04-2011

Ohh Shit! I just witnessed history! Wow. India won the World cup after '27' years. Phew. What a match. The whole country has united celebrating, all the divides forgotten. Wonderful, I am completely awestruck.

Proud to be an Indian.

I am angry, I am sad.

Excerpt from William Blake: Broken Love

Dost thou not in pride and scorn
Fill with tempests all my morn,
And with jealousies and fears
Fill my pleasant nights with tears?

‘And seven more loves in my bed
Crown with wine my mournful head,
Pitying and forgiving all
Thy transgressions great and small.

‘O’er my sins thou sit and moan:
Hast thou no sins of thy own?
O’er my sins thou sit and weep,
And lull thy own sins fast asleep.

‘What transgressions I commit
Are for thy transgressions fit.
They thy harlots, thou their slave;
And my bed becomes their grave.

‘Never, never, I return:
Still for victory I burn.
Living, thee alone I’ll have;
And when dead I’ll be thy grave.

Hear me out, my love
for there are no suns, and no moons. In our land there is no facade and no lines.
Between you and me, we created a world, flawed yet divine.
Hear me our my love, before this moment ceases to live,
hear me out when i declare the depths and granularities of my mind and soul.For this
is where my world stops rotating, as i look into your eyes,
for this is where your smile enchants me out of all the losses and lies. For with you I try to surrender the ifs and buts, and the should haves and have nots. I follow you around your paths, hoping to be taken in. Listen to me, my love, in this world, till now we have stood apart. But holding my hand, you shall see the amazing lit up sky, with me, you shall see that hope stands out. I will teach you my love, by example, how it is, when you surrender to whims of the heart. I will learn from you, how to captivate hearts. Fot this is it my love, this is where we shall be. Look across the window my love, the dawn arises!

It is so weird to see another picture. It is so weird to see another love story you are loving! It is so weird to see the same old notions you follow, same songs you sing, same actions you declare. Everything same, just the object of affection changed.

Stings, yes it does. After all Humans we are :)

The road is too long, I cant see its end! There have been mirages now and then. But ultimately what has and will survive is the beginning and whatever will be the end. Again I lead to a divergence, a path where people let go. Another path which shows the beginning of something new and something painful.

I keep looking for a place to rest.

The evening is drifting away as i look out of this window.There are some lights dimming across the bay, the lights reflected on the water, followed by the bright mono colored lights neatly lining the highway. The tiny Mumbai hills dot the boundary of my vision. Some mistiness seems to surround this fading evening.
With Coldplay as my companion for the evening, its well enough. There is some beauty in this day to day scene I see, a sliver of peace, a notion of constant which calms me when I fetter away.
I need to talk.

Unknown and overrated

After a long deep slumber, something woke me up. It was as if thousands of emotions were crawling on top of my heart. It was something of a jolt. Sitting in a corner of thr room I knew I had to think of my next course of action. What was going on, my heart said. My mind had no answers. Sleep should freshen up the soul, the body, but here i was as confused as ever. What is the point of living the regular, wasnt it all about living the dream? I needed to believe in myself soon enough! Simply living I knew was out of point.
Something had been crawling all over my thoughts, I hardly knew what to do, whom to turn to. There was this humming want in the background to unchain myself and turn back to my roots. The deep seated desire to look back to whatever I had held, who ever I had called mine even if just for moments. It was as if my end was about to come. The lack of smile in my day to day ongoings, I knew my heart had been somewhere ripped apart. Its just that the pain had maybe deadened me enough already. Why couldnt I see the sunshine, why was it that whatever I wanted came to me and then went away. Was I trying too much or too little. Was no one able to understand the real me?

As I woke up with a start that night, I knew something was not right. It was like you wake up from a terrible nightmare, you look around and you find yourself alone. That huge want of finding yourself hugged by someone who loves you dearly.. the void when you look around and see that you are all alone. Family loves me, but I knew that they were too far away to fill the gap. As I sat in the corner of the room waiting for morning to come, I thought about the millions of truths and lies I had seen in the eyes of people. I shivered till the sun came up. The happiness that came with the rising slowly and bitterly also went away. All I wanted to do was to curl up in a ball and sleep my wounded heart. Wounded, yes thats what this irritating hum in my heart it. As soon as I find hope, the over-ratedness of hope starts to pinch me. For whatever its worth, tomorrow is another day!

What is it to be Brave? An act of courage, a selfless servitude or is it to silently suffer.

Cruel Mr. Unknown, I wish I had hit you back!!

The scene is not something new. The rich man beating the old. The scene is not something out of unknown, unfolding in front of our eyes. The eyes of young, educated 20 somethings watching the scene unfold, yet we all stood there, dumb in our mute visions. The scene hurt me, for moments uptill now I can feel the pain, humiliation and indignation of the driver, whose only fault was that he is not driving a shining costly car, but just the office bus.

What gives you the right to beat someone? Just that you earn more than him? Or that he keeps quiet when you beat him! I was there I know that the almost accident was both your and his mistake. This man who has gone scot free after beating another, I want to tell you that you weren't hurt, your vehicle survived without a scratch. In your anger you could have shouted, but to beat someone, is plain vicious! The need to beat someone to teach him/her a lesson reflects your inner cruelty. It will always portray you Mr. Unknown as a cruel person to me.

You vented your anger and vent scot free. You weren't there to see the humiliation on the face of this man, whose only mistake was that he crossed your path and the bigger mistake is that he is Poor. What if your car( a Maruti 800) had been crushed by a man who had power and money at his disposal. Would you have had the guts to beat him... I guess No. And thats the kind of inequality our society faces. Its not entirely your fault. It is the society which conditions us to believe that money and power give you the freedom to crush the self respect of someone younger or weaker than you. Its not your fault, simply your innate cruelty.

While you were beating him, we all sat quiet in the bus, waiting for others to react! How convinient. Not that our inaction didnt make us guilty. There was an eeerie silence when the action was done. The bus driver wallowing in his humiliation and we all wallowing at our inaction. I cursed my self for inaction. Too late it was. What could you have done if I had shouted at your cruelty. What could you have done if we all had stood against you and beat you up. Nothing right!! More power to us. But such is our conditioning that we dont want to get involved in the humiliation and pain of others. Such is our selfishness. Its been hours that you came, conquered the poor man and went away. I am still humiliated that I didnt act.

I write this to remind me each time that strength is not beating someone weaker than you, it is not something that you achieve when you break the spirit of another being. Strength is standing up against these small injustices of our everyday lives. I hope I can one day proudly say that I am Strong.

And this is Life? to live it, to quietly take it and to not know anyclonger what you want. What you need. and where you are headed for.

Is this life to keep quiet when you know that you have been betrayed by 'dreams'?

Woh aam si sham thi jab juda huye the hum
Na toot kr pyar kiya aur na ro sake hum
Tum se gila kiya na zamane se kuch kaha
Barbad ho gaye badi sadgi se hum..

Instinctively Today

I am grateful for all the moments which I have really 'lived', for all 'new' which i happily saw, and all the new which I unhappily had to see. I am grateful for the people who have hugged me and wiped my tears. I know there are also some who have stood away and quietly wished me well. Some who have stood near me and hated my bloody guts. Yes, I am grateful to you too.

I am grateful for the wonderful people I have met in this journey, for them who have held my hands and had the patience to deal with me. For those who have put up with my wounded heart and soul, for those who have dealt with my cynicism. Grateful to those who betrayed me and made my tears flow, to those people who never knew me yet they caused me to lose precious relationships. You especially will grow and learn all about 'karma'.

I show my gratefulness to my loved ones, those who have made a place in my weary heart, Those who forgave me my mistakes and those who hurt me for my mistakes, to both I am grateful. You showed me the good and the ugly. I am grateful to the very few who make my heart beat. To those friendships which I have 'lived' and 'lost'. Believe me, I gave my best to you all. The journeys I have lived and died, grateful to each...

Every single strand of my life has made me want to rise up even more. Each of you who exalted me, and each of you who assaulted my emotions, every single bit has made me the woman I am today...

Amazing 'another' year. Achievements, sadness, loss and gains and 'truths'
(:

I am grateful for all the moments which I have really 'lived', for all 'new' which i happily saw, and all the new which I unhappily had to see. I am grateful for the people who have hugged me and wiped my tears. I know there are also some who have stood away and quietly wished me well. Some who have stood near me and hated my bloody guts. Yes, I am grateful to you too.
I am grateful for the wonderful people I have met in this journey, for them who have held my hands and had the patience to deal with me.For those who have put up with my wounded heart and soul, for those who have dealt with my cynicism. Grateful to those who betrayed me and made my tears flow, to those people who never knew me yet they caused me to lose precious relationships. You especially will grow and learn all about 'karma'.
I show my gratefullness to my detractors, to those who pushed me on the highway again, forced to walk the broken road.

Agony.. not mine.. not yours.. alas there!

I feel like writing down the story of my life on these pages. I feel like jumping off and growing wings today. Nothing makes sense even now. Even now if I look at the times, i feel shattered, each second a multitude of all the moments I faced, in a langurous pain. but.... But there are no 'buts' to this pain..
It was, like 'rebirth'

Yes rebirth it is, it was like the sun going down, all i couldnt see then, was the surise, which was imminent. Now past the carnage, I can give a defination of myself. Once upon a time, I didn't need a defination, now i understand otherwise. Truths hurt, yes they do. Factually they always do. You just learn to survive the angst. You learn to look at the pictures and give out a cold sigh. The worst part, you dont even want the moments gone by. Just look and let it by.

I dont feel like giving out the pain which I was made to feel. I no longer feel the need to say 'hey you wronged me!' I no longer feel like hurling a mix of abuses at you. If you meet me tomorrow, if you think about me, I would be there, shrugging and nonchalently saying 'Wish you well.'
Truth hurts, it does, but when facing a choice between truth and the real-life reality, maybe the choice is easy. I chose my life now. Because it welcomed me. I stand ashore, the carnage, the memories floating like dead bodies on a blodied river. I shed the tears, but no longer have the strength to bend and pick the strands up..

I am no a quitter, but a wise man, wise enough to not run after what was never mine. I lived a mirage, and now its over. The ugly faces reared their heads. I am not a saint.. A Sinner.. no..

waiting to be vindicated...



PS- I am a very happy person, full of passion for life.. this is just a thought which i had to pen down.

tu ne jo na kaha mai vo sunta raha,
khaam khaa, bewajah khwab bunta raha

haal tera na humsa hai
iss khushi mei kyun gum sa hai
basne laga kyun phir vo jahana
vo jahan door jisse the gae nikal
phirse yadon ne kardi hai jaise pehel
lamha beeta hua dil dukhata raha

We might survive a day, a month a few years too: but we all are condemned to lose. Our body remains alive, yet sooner or later our soul will recieve the mortal blow. The perfect crime - for we dont know who murdered our joy, what their motives were or where the guilty parties are to be found.

Are they aware of what they have done, those nameless guilty parties? I doubt it, because they, too - the depressed, the arrogant, the impotent and the powerful are the victims of the reality they created.

(:

Perfection is what you visualize. Some days, perfection is just around you, instead of that lost dream you were chasing. Perfection is what you had and what you foolishly gave away. Perfection is Peace. And some days Peace is silence. Its only when you enter the chaos of the world, its then that you realize the needs of the hour.

Before that, Its a very fragmented picture which you have thought off. Its when you enter the real world, its then that your ideals and ethics seem to shatter. But still you tag along because of the 'Dreams.' And even though today was a tough day, still you get your act together and keep on the work. You keep on building upon your future because thats your 'karma.' Thats what you have to be, true to yourself and true to the people who love you. Its times like these that you know how important your father is. Its times like this that you realise how dear your kid brother is. I love my family, I love the people who make sense to me. Inspite of all, yet I love life. I have not given up the zest for it. I am enjoying in my own sweet demonical way.

Yes Today was a difficult day, today maybe I thought that for a second, that I needed to compromise on the Utopia that I believe upon. But you know, dreams and utopia's are for a utopic world. It was a tough day, when even though I began the morning with a smile, I felt disillusioned by the end of the day. But it will be all right because, as far as dreaming goes by,
I have still not given up!
Thank you to all who have been mine. To those who never gave up on me, to those who love me. I am flawed but I live to make you proud of me.

thoughts!

My thoughts are in a turmoil, I need to accept today. I am free, and life looks just right now. I need to wipe this hate which I have filled in my heart, I have to be just another girl now. For this time has taken a toil, the nights have wracked my body and soul with grief.

Now I think I need to be happy.

lost in the moment.
the moment is mine.. at peace.
Silent but waiting for something.

The lost yet peaceful warrior

I am still the same as I was, but with a much more unfathomable facade. I am still as innocent in my dealings as I was, just that now I know when I am being made a fool of. I still have the same habits, I still laugh and cry the same.
I look the same and I feel the same. I am as vulnerable as I felt before, and as chaotic as I was since forever. I still stumble, walk in my wierd fashion, am as lost to the world, and in general I am still the same picture.

But there are some lines running across me, some good some bad. The good have made me resilient. It has made me fight for the people I love, ithas made me evaluate people on a whole new standard. The good has given me a direction, not a path but yes an independent turn.
Its the bad which will cause me to lose the fashion of emoting. I walk, I talk, I laugh and yes now I know the true cynicism leaching through me. I feel lost on days, I feel vulnerable. If I am now human, then it hurts. If I am no more human, then spare me this feeling of being emotionless. The road has taken me far away now. What once seemed true, now falls to dust. It kills me on some days, to look back and see what a waste it has been. May be the future will bring me back my peace.
Peace is what I want. For this new year, this specific month, I wish to lose nothing more. The warrior has lost all he could! Now he has returned home to get back the peace.

I plunder nothing, I need no conquests. I need the shell of my own mind to gaze as the stories of my life go by. I need no name, no title, I need no empathy or cruelty. I need to get lost in this wilderness of my own mind. For this new year, I need to feel closer to my own heart, to understand what this old guy wants. I quit all with dignity. I just retain my own will to mind a path for my mind, body and soul. Now I want to be happy.
I want to watch the days go by. Peace is what I want.



PS:And as the year begins, I want to remember the one person I miss the most each day.
Mom. Love you.